So things are now resolved with Jenna we had a talk about each accepting the life of the other, I accept that she and Juli are going to hang out and she accepts that Juli and still have bad blood. I agreed I would not post loathing comments about Juli on FB for Jenna's sake and Jenna said she is going to be more careful about uploading so many photos of her and Juli to FB as well.
Other than that silliness in life things are going pretty well here, my pup pup is getting big, really on the job search thing, Tracey and I are starting a gym together and just generally pushing myself to think more positively. I find that ever since that last bad breakup a lot of negativity made it into me and I am still fighting to become the more positive person I once was.

mood: contemplative

Okay, so why is it I am not allowed to express how I feel in my own venue? I posted a very vague status on my facebook "is it possible to still seethe at people so far away, why yes it is". That's it, that is what I said and it was in regards to some photos popping up in my feed with my friend Jenna with a girl named Juli who made life hell for months while we all lived together. She made me feel like an outsider in a house with two couples. The fact I felt like a fifth wheel in a house was bad enough but then she turned her boyfriend against me saying that everything was fine till I was there, that I tore everyone apart. Not the case my friends! Jenna is now mad I posted that saying I should keep it out of public and her out of it, okay well guess what if you don't like it don't read it and respond to it. I saw the photos but I did comment on them about how I loathe her? No, I did not I merely vented thru a vague status. Jenna used to hate her more than me, and I would tell her to let stuff go and not continuously think about it. I don't continuously think about it, I only think about it when I see her or her boyfriend's face because at that point all I see is the hell we went thru during those months. The tension in a house so that we wouldn't even come out of our rooms, it sucked and worse yet I was alone in my room. Jenna had Eric, and yes Jenna would come to see me when she could but I feel asleep alone next to the bitch's room, and sharing a bathroom. I hated it I felt horrible in that house, and I know Jenna had more hurt at that time with how close she was with Juli's boyfriend I understand that.
So Juli had reached out to Jenna to apologize so Jenna is done with hate now and hangs out with Juli. What The Hell, Juli even admitted to Jenna she wants to make things better with me as well. Well then do it! I may live in another city but I am not unreachable! With an apology from her to me I could forgive enough to be cordial with her, would I trust her or keep her as a friend HELL NO!
I'm just mad right now that a close friend can't realize that I am allowed to remain hurt and express that hurt.

mood: aggravated

I am very much in and out of depression, don't get me wrong my friends are completely awesome with helping me. But I still really miss Greg and I truly wish I did not. I still love him and probably always will. I just wish I could truly be moved on which I feel like I am getting so much closer to. I think part of it is trying to find someone that can make me feel some happiness to what I felt with him and also being so happy with myself which I am also getting closer to.
I just hate the here and now of the pain, at this time I have lost a lover and a friend. I hope to at least gain my friend back in time.

So two grandparents in 6 months at a time when I am already distressed because the first one is not at christmas for the first time is simply not fucking fair.
My grandma on my dad's side passed away at 3am on the 30th. I was supposed to work that day but that didn't work out so well. I went the weekend before that to visit her in the hospice so I got to say goodbye, I didn't get to do that for my grandpa because he was so sudden, but I am unsure of which I prefer because the sudden one made me sad about not saying goodbye but saying goodbye to my grandma meant seeing her state in the hospice which just broke my heart and gave me nightmares for multiple nights.
Up until yesterday, good so far today but the day is young, I had been feeling like throwing up 24 hrs of the day most of the time I would not even actually throw up but I would just heave but when I did throw up everything went. Which only made me feel more sick because I could not hold down any nutrients. Even when I tried to eat I knew I was hungry yet my stomach felt so full that it felt like every bite had no where to go but to sit in my esophagus until I threw up again.
This state was extremely debilitating so I am now contemplating seeing a psychiatrist about a possible medication that would be a "take as needed" and not a "take daily" thing since I don't need it daily I only need it when I get to this point. I don't much care for the idea of the medication because it does kind of scare me and I had been doing okay by myself for so long, but I have now found a point that I am not able to do anything for days on end and become bed ridden because of my anxiety.

I am not looking for pity, I am looking for input if anyone knows a good local psychiatrist or maybe has input about more ways for me to handle my anxiety. Any kind of help on that front is appreciated.

mood: apathetic

...at an update for my best buddy Lauren. Sooooo here it is, I have a a girl crush, as in would totally date this girl if I had the chance. Her name is Gabriella and she works at Best Buy with me. She is quite the saucy little number ;) She is a little bit shorter than me and is petite with light curves **drool** personality wise she is a badass, she loves to be silly and make random awkward jokes and is very loud as well. Oh and did I mention gamer! be still my beating heart, as I am also a gamer and loooooove to play. And the other day she even made the same noise I always make and we had an entire conversation in weird noises.

Dually note though that I am very happy with Greg and even happier as we have sorted out some problems, but if we did end.....oooo watch out Gabby!!!

mood: chipper

eeeeeergh so yeah what is wrong with the fact that maybe when I am friggin physcially exhausted and stressed beyond belief that I am just not gonna be in the mood? and I am sorry that is how it is right now, it's not like that is how I want it to be! because if I am not feeling it then if I force myself to make you happy then I just feel incredible awkward there by pushing me even FURTHER from the mood. sometimes I do go through because I am in the mood and that can override but not all the time. and some days I am just extremely self conscious and I know you mean everything you say but that does not change the feeling I have right then, in time it does but it takes said time for that to sink in. why does that put me in the same game as your ex wife when I try to go for it but as we go I just continue not to feel it so I am honest with you and say I am just not in the mood? you always want me to be honest and not do things I don't want to do but then you get snippity with me, what the fuck man! you have been doing that a lot lately anything that vaguely reminds you of that time throws you into a fit at me, thats fucked up man. and last nite you were not supportive of me because you were too drunk to really help, yes you said some very nice ans wonderful things but it still comes down to me playing bouncer and you just being a dick about it.
there I said my peace!

mood: bitchy

Sooooo, the school year officially began for me again this past Monday. This is my last year in school and I am so excited to be graduating in May. My classes so far seem like they are gonna be pretty good I have the same teacher for 3 out of the 5 classes I am taking.
So I am gearing up for a lot this spring with graduation. Plus, when i graduate Greg promised he would take me to go and pick out a doggy :) I am uber excited.
Not so thrilling fall events involve making my way overdue appt with the lady doctor at some point and making an appt with the dentist involving possible wisdom tooth surgery because this next one is coming in rather nasty and giving me a lot of headaches.
Oh yes and one last thing I finally joined an adult rec soccer league :)
I joined the social instead of the full on women's league because I am out of practice and because I want to get some confidence in it first :)

location: school mood: bouncy music: choir singing downstairs

gearing up for my vacation to CA which should be pretty awesome :)
also been really productive after my class ended, I have finished my filing chosen classes till the end getting addresses for graduation organizing everything and been copying our old VHS home movies to DVD
the home movies are hard to watch sometimes because my pawpa is so prominent in them and it's tough to think about him being gone now versus what I am watching the television

So of course it has been many a moon since my last entry so let's try and do some sort of recap.
-my gandfather died (mom's dad)so I am still trying to deal with that, it has gotten a lot better though I still cry randomly every now and then
-work is going really well I will be staying on for the fall, so I wont have a whole lot of hours but maybe that will be good to make me save better and to make sure I have enough time to make sure my classes go well
-my car is starting to crap out a little bit so I am on the lookout for a new vehicle to get when I graduate, so now I am also trying to save for that expense now on top of getting a new dog when I graduate and paying off my loans it will be insane with all of the payments
I am going to try and drive my car for as long as possible
-I am finally done with my capstone paper!!!!! tomorrow is my last day of class then I can be done for good with that class. I am muy happy about that.
-my trip to CA is coming up but I am still going to have to be frugal about my trip so that I make sure I have enough money when school starts, because I am trying to build all of my bank accounts back up from when I had to live off of them during my unemployment
-I left compass bank and now bank with A+ federal credit union :) much better than compass and will help me with any car loans I will need in the future

mood: chipper

my grandpa just died

So I just saw Wall-E and it was A-Friggin-dorable!!!!!!

On a little side note, there are bunch of mine and Greg's friends over right now but for some reason I feel recluse and I don't really feel the want or need to socialize with them. Two of our friends actually just got married and this is their impromptu reception at our house. You'd think I could be more excited for them, because I am excited for them, no doubt. It's just...eh....I don't know. Feels weird cause I normally really like hanging with them.

mood: blah

So I am totally LOVING my new job.
My mom says that teaching is one of those jobs where it is a calling, well I believe it be my calling.
I got to go on my first field trip with the kids on a nature hike where the kids thought it was hilarious when I slide down some rocks, ow my butt...
Also I get to be in charge of the drama club for the center YAY

mood: bouncy

bad me I am so bad about updating but now I have cool news!
I did not get the summer camp counselor job that was up north....but....
I got a job as a junior counselor teaching assistant at children's courtyard down the street from me~!!!!!
YAY!!!!
I need to listen to Greg more often, he always tells me if I don't get something then there is something better waiting for me to get it
He's so sweet :P
Summer school is alright not quite confident about my paper yet but thankfully it is not due next class so I have time to both write it and run it by my professor to make it work

mood: busy

well onto better things I have an interview for a camp counselor position on Monday, it's about a 30min drive from my house which does not sound great to me, but as long as I am getting paid enough and the hours work for me I don't see reason not to take the job if they offer it to me
who knows there is another one I applied for that I hope I get that sounded better, but if they don't contact me I can't get the job

mood: blah

So karma, fate, lady luck, whatever or whoever it is seems to really like that keeping balance thing. Something starts to look like it is going REALLY right for me then, the metaphorical rug is pulled from under me. My latest complaint? My internship that I thought was going to be super awesome has been downgraded now to just one more reason for me to have an ulcer. I finally got a hold of my boss about paychecks and found out, yes we'll get paid, BUT he believes it is costing him too much for the amount of hours to pay us and what he is getting. Well shit, now I need to find supplemental income while still trying to hold this internship, but that means fewer hours which could mean that the internship would not meet requirements for my class, well double shit. So I need to talk to my boss about maybe still working for him when I can but having a real paying job and having him goof on my hours sheet so I can make the requirements.
I think it is only right since I quit Best Buy for this opportunity and he knows that.
Well, it'll give me a chance to explore teaching at a daycare or something maybe this summer.

mood: uncomfortable

OMGZORZ@ I HAVE DA NEW JOURNAL!!! DAAAAAA!!

mood: busy